Couple/Marriage Counseling Considerations

Dorothy W. Andrew, MSW, LCSW

What are typical reasons for considering couple/marriage counseling?

The most common reasons for couples to seek counseling are financial disagreements or conflict with in-laws. Often couples find blended families to be very challenging to their relationships as well.

Premarital guidance is an excellent reason to consider marriage counseling. This is an ideal opportunity to clarify each one’s expectations of marriage. It helps to prevent feeling disillusioned and/or simply feeling unhappy in the relationship down the road.

Couples often get stuck in what appears to be the same argument over and over. A professional counselor can help the couple resolve problems as they arise and/or define the underlying problem.

Major losses or changes in one’s life also create hurdles couples often need professional help with in order to regain stability in their relationship.

Domestic violence or abuse of any kind, including substance abuse, are vital reasons to seek help.

What are significant things I should expect from counseling?

First, you should feel a sense of genuine caring and a comfortable report with your counselor. You should expect your counselor to offer an objective point of view and to reveal to you any significant biases he/she has regarding your particular concerns.

You should expect your counselor to work with you in establishing goals of counseling and an idea about how many sessions may be needed to achieve those goals.

You should expect to learn effective ways to deal with your particular concerns; for example, improved communication skills, ways to handle conflict that enhance rather than harm the relationship, giving and receiving love according to each partner’s particular needs.

If you are not comfortable with your counselor or don’t think you’re making progress after a few sessions, address this with your counselor and/or consider finding another counselor. Even an excellent counselor might not be the right one for you. Don’t give up on counseling if you’re not satisfied with the first one you see.

What if my partner refuses to go to counseling with me?

Preferably, a couple agrees to go together for counseling, but often significant progress can be made when only one of the couple comes. The partner who comes to counseling often learns effective ways he/she can change his/her own thoughts and behaviors that are contributing to the problem in the relationship. If one partner begins to make significant changes in his/her behavior, the other frequently begins to respond in a favorable way. Sometimes the other partner will agree to go to counseling later.

Individual counseling can help the one who seeks help to see the relationship more clearly and determine whether or not it is realistic to expect to achieve the desired changes in the relationship.

What if one of us is already involved with someone else?

Whereas this complicates saving the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over. Sometimes the third party is primarily a symptom of other problems in the relationship that can be reconciled with professional help.

If both partners want to save the relationship, counseling can help with rebuilding trust and with the process of forgiveness.

What if I have fallen out of love with my partner?

Falling in love is often the term used to describe the feelings one has for the strong attraction one has for another. It is, however, only one aspect of love. There is typically a sense of being “swept off one’s feet” and of having no choice about these powerful feelings. Mature love, however, is more than a feeling. In fact, it is a conscious choice or decision that is manifested in action.

Loving is a learned behavior. We learn to love primarily from our parents and other significant people in our lives. Sometimes our partner has learned to express love in a way that is well intended but does not meet our particular love needs. Counseling can help clarify each other’s “love language” and restore love feelings.

If my faith and/or religious beliefs define marriage primarily as a sacrament, should I seek counseling from my clergy?

Yes. This is a great place to start. Often clergy are also licensed practicing counselors and/or have particular expertise in relationship counseling. However, if you think some issues are not being covered, secular counseling might be beneficial in addition to help from your clergy.

There are also secular counselors who have expertise in helping couples from a spiritual perspective.

Dorothy W. Andrew, MSW, LCSW is a Licensed Counselor in private practice in Wilmington.

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